Friday, July 01, 2011

wayback 5...

...about the way we blogged: wayback days 5

This time instead of answering Kathryn's suggested questions, I'll write a few paragraphs. Cyber eons ago in July 2002 I made my blogging debut on blogger, which (to my knowledge) along with diaryland and pitas was the only available platform. I'd just finished a year-long Community Economic Development certificate program that hadn't led to the hoped-for employment, so I decided to chill some for the summer as I expected to do the usual rounds of meet 'n' greets and related continuing ed in the fall as a way to connect with potential employers and clients. Before I'd returned to this part of the world sometimes called "Paradise," life had happened and kept on happening with unexpected outcomes; for a while it was adventuresome and almost fun. Even the plasma center, day labor hangout and less-than-minimum wage gigs hadn't discouraged me much, since trials by fire and trials by ongoing disappointments are part of the journey, right? But those weeks that started out like another adventure turned into months, into years and now it's almost two decades, close to twenty years without community, without the mirror of the other to tell me how I'm doing, without places, situations and spaces to which I've become attached and to which I could uniquely contribute.

Leading up to starting my own blog spot, when I got online in the late 1990s I'd gradually gotten involved in an early iteration of the United Church of Christ forums and was delighted to return to more formal theological thinking and writing. I'd also (delightfully, of course!) discovered my opinions were valued and often sought-after! In some of my seminary classes I'd emerged as the class theologian but the years of loneliness and disappointment had polished my theological perspective and insight (in ways only too much loneliness and too many disappointments can).

I've been in social, personal, financial, professional, everything survival mode for most of these too many years. Although I still check the Friday 5 topic almost every week and start a Friday 5 post just about every week, I rarely publish them. A couple months back, when that day's host Singing Owl visited my blog, she commented, "You want to be known and you want to be useful." I unpublished the post and likely won't delete it, but she's mostly correct in that I want a community that seeks to know me and I want to be not only useful but exploited. Do I walk in and announce to everyone within earshot that I am no threat to anyone? That I don't want the pastor's or the church musician's job?

In his "Rollin' Home," songwriter Eric Andersen explains,
Truth, with all its far out schemes,
Lets time decide what it should mean;
It's not the time but just the dreams that die.
There's probably no such situation as zero theological context, but I'm so close to zero I have nothing to blog about. I haven't been teaching, preaching or socializing and long ago stopped trying to bribe people to spend time or have lunch with me. If and when I can find that elusive place of embrace, I expect to begin blogging at least a few times a month—I like developing ideas and seeing the results on the screen! People can start walking on their own quite easily, but I need someone to help me stand and take my first new steps. I also realize there are a lot of non-church places I could look and many many (many) non-church events I could attend, either or both of which likely would result in opps and friendships, but I barely can stand, let alone walk to get there.

4 comments:

kathrynzj said...

Well I am glad you blogged this. Hang in there!

Jan said...

Thanks for writing your thoughts. Hope you will be blogging more.

1-4 Grace said...

Keep blogging. I will try to be better on checking in, although, my life may get more chaotic soon

Teena in Toronto said...

Happy blogoversary :)